It’s been said that you can choose your friends but not your family. Some of us are brought up in households so dysfunctional and so abusive, that its nearly impossible to grow into a healthy, functional member of society. No one says, I want to be an addict or alcoholic when I grow up, but the chances are, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family and predisposed to it, you more than likely did. The things that we learned from our parents growing up, good or bad, are often passed on to our children, and why most family problems run several generations deep. Are they not the sins of our fathers?
The one thing that made my family different from all others was happiness, or the lack there of. It seemed like my father would go out of his way to criticize or belittle me. My earliest memories are of him beating me down and driving it home with how big a loser I was, or how I would never amount to anything. My mother did what she could to hold us together, but with eight kids, and a abusive, alcoholic and womanizing husband, she didn’t have a chance.
At that time in my life I had little or no direction. I was like a wave in the ocean aimlessly rolling along. My father tried to control me with fear and intimidation and the problems that would manifest themselves were nothing more than a reflection of my inability to conform to the rules and expectations my parents had laid out for me. When I think back they really weren’t that unreasonable. Eventually, I lost all respect for him and began to resist his authority. We constantly fought and argued. I became more and more emboldened and began pushing him, harder and harder until it eventually ended in a physical confrontation. I really came to hate the man. The only time I could relax and be myself was when he was away or at work, otherwise I was a nervous wreck. There was never any positive influence or interaction. I was never encouraged, only discouraged and why I’ve always had self-esteem and self confidence issues.
When all this was going on, when life at home was unbearable and I couldn’t stand it any longer. When I still had my innocence, before my mind became poisoned with drugs and alcohol, before the county home schools, the jails, institutions and prisons, God blessed with a vision. I was twelve years old and had just left the house. I was jagged bundle of nerves. I never felt so all alone, my heart was heavy with pain and sorrow. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but whenever things got that bad and I needed an escape. I’d go down to this little wooded area where we as kids hung out. And as I sat there trying to figure things out the Lord showed me something in the form of a vision, something I had never before or since experienced. In the vision I saw a beautiful white Dove gently gliding along on a warm breeze. Everything was so vivid. the colors were so rich and vibrant, It was like looking through an 3D view master. There was so much compassion and intelligence in its eyes. He was an amazingly beautiful bird, so real, and so beautiful. I fought the temptation to reach out and touch its soft velvet coat of feathers.
Suddenly I saw myself… standing on a stage with my head bowed. A spot light was shinning on me from out above the audience. I couldn’t see the people but I could feel their presence. Suddenly, a thunderous applause. I could feel the emotion, they were applauding me. I was so content, so full of peace, love and joy, a powerful anointing and one that I wouldn‘t experience again to that degree until 2006, in a little church outside our Nations Capital. And then just as suddenly as the vision began, it ended. It was such an intense experience, so full of emotion, colors so vivid and real, that I would guard it close to my heart and never forget it. I was only twelve years old then, and only now has that vision come to fruition, it was God’s promise. And I now know that everything I’ve ever gone through, my journey, my cross, my pain and sorrow would all be used to glorify God, and be a powerful testimony to His grace and mercy.
Back in them days, drug addiction and alcoholism had yet to be diagnosed as a disease, and even so it wouldn’t have mattered, I was born an addict, and it wasn‘t long before my life spiraled out of control. Vandalism and shoplifting became my way of life. Even getting caught didn‘t deter me, and with the police station less then a block from our house, my parents didn’t have far to go to get me. And then the inevitable happened; one night after I was arrested they refused to get me, and that’s when I hit the big time, juvenile hall.
With my first experience in the system - I discovered that most of the kids were into a lot worse than I, and at 13, 14 and 15 they were already stealing cars, burglarizing houses and so, for me, it was like taking a crash course in all the basics: Criminal and Drugs 101. I learned a great deal more than I ever wanted to imagine at that point in my life. But I learned in order to survive, and adapt to my new environment. For me, in those days, 1971, there was really nothing in the way of rehabilitation. It was more CONFORM OR ELSE. It was just big a game.
I didn’t know what to think, barely fourteen and sentenced to Glen Lake County Home School , and for what, as far as I was concerned the only thing I was guilty of was publicly displaying the anger I had, toward my father. I tried to fit in but I was home sick and missed my friends, and so I began to run. After absconding several times the juvenile court system decided I needed to be in more secure facility and I was sent to Lino Lakes Diagnostic Center . I remember how I felt as we pulled into the gated entry. Massive 30 ft. high fences topped with razor wire guarded a very large complex of buildings, buildings which they deemed escape poof. But the 2 inch thick Plexiglas windows, covered with thick metal screens did nothing to deter me, and I eventually I found a way out. Lock picking 101.
Whenever I did escape, which was quite often, there were usually three of us, it didn’t matter what three, the average stay was about 3 months so kids there were generally recycled through at a pretty good rate, if of course, they conformed. It didn’t usually take long for them to apprehend us and bring us back. It was a game to us, we’d escape, steal a car, joyride and sleep in them until we were eventually caught. Part of the game was to show a little remorse, tell them what they wanted to hear, regain their trust, while the whole time planning our next escape. Lino Lakes was nothing more then gladiator school and a lesson in criminality 101. And did nothing for me, other then make me more irresponsible and rebellious.
The worse part about it was that whenever I did get caught, as a form of punishment I was locked into an 8x10 cell for a couple weeks. I was a child, 14 years old and in solitary confinement. Until then I never experienced anything like it, and never felt so isolated and alone. The only thing they aloud you to read while in solitary was the Bible. And after the initial shock of being locked into an 8x10 wore off, and I came to the realization that I was going to be in there for quite some time, I began to read. Starting with the Book of Genesis I worked my way through the Bible, and as I entered the land of Exodus , I was so drawn into the story that I suddenly became a part of it. I wondered the desert with them, it was as if I was there and witnessed it all. It angered me, and I thought, what the hell is wrong with these people, how stupid can someone be. The Jews would test God time after time, always wanting signs and wonders, and God, through Moses showed them His awesome power, miracle after miracle. And for a short time they would turn from their idol worshiping and repent. That was an important story for me. Because as I look back at my life and the countless miracles God had graced me with. They were enough to get me to stop and repent for a while, but like them I too soon forgot, and turned back to my idol worship and old ways. And because of my disobedience, I too wondered the desert for 40 years, the desert of life.
All through my teen years and in my early adult life, I made lots of friends. Those that I had befriended in Glen Lake and Lino Lakes as a juvenile were the ones that I would later end up serving time with as an adult, in various state and federal penitentiaries. But all those friends I had made over the years, slowly began to thin out and wither away. Now most of them are gone now, either by way of drug overdose, suicide, executed or were murdered, about 20 in all. It’s sad because they were good people. And for those of us still alive today, it’s obvious, it was the drug and alcohol that had ruined ours lives. And unfortunately for many them, that life long battle had ended in death. They all had personalities, they all had a soul, they all had potential, just like you and I but didn’t know how to tap into it. We were all lost in a very dark place, and the darkness became so familiar to us, we didn’t realize it, until it was too late. There was nothing for any of us to help us better our lives. The system back then was nothing like it is today, in terms of rehabilitation.
Studies have shown that without a proper support system, those completing an intense drug treatment program, or just released from jail or prison, and sent back into the community have little or no chance of remaining drug and alcohol free. Returning to the same people, places, and things does hardly more than prolong the inevitable, RELAPSE. That’s what happened to me. Once you enter the vicious cycle of relapse, it becomes a downward spiral of death and destruction. I had multiple crimes under my belt at a very young age. Property crimes, white collar crimes, forgery and burglaries. I used my acquired talent to support my drug habit. I became a sophisticated check forger to feed my addiction. Eventually I went right to the source and began burglarizing drug stores and hospital pharmacy’s, and eventually began dealing drugs directly. I remember the day when I realized I had become an addict. I had just dropped a bag of pharmaceuticals off at a drug dealers house. I did a little cocaine back then, but my drug of choice was Tussionex hydromorphone cough syrup. I use to call it gorilla snot because that’s what it looked like, a thick yellow syrup. I use to get liter bottles of it from the pharmacies I use to burglarize. I had just left the drug dealers house and as I pulled around the corner I suddenly felt very nauseous and had to pull over, and anybody who’s ever gone through opiate withdrawals knows that feeling. I got violently sick and began to vomit a yellowish-green bile, my bowels loosened, and I started to get hot flashes, my joints and bones began to ache… and I knew at that instant… I had become my worst nightmare - I was officially a drug addict. Unfortunately, the horror of realizing that didn’t last very long. It was the chase I was addicted to more than the drug itself. I ended up hurting the people I loved the most by betraying their trust through forgeries and theft, and it seemed I would never recover from this downward spiral of destruction. But at that point in my life, my mind was so overtaken by chemicals, fused and intricately inter- woven between bad memories of my childhood and my own feelings of inadequacy, that part of me didn’t care anymore. I found an outlet, and it became the driving force behind my choice to wake up each morning. Drugs were my motivation and the chase was what I lived for. I don’t know how many times I’ve overdosed on drugs and had to be resuscitated. The pure insanity of it all, was that after having to be inubated and defibulated, was that I did come to… the first thought that entered my mind … was …where are my drugs… the Fentanyl patches, the dilaudid, the Oxy‘s, whatever it was I had OD on, I wanted the rest of them back, they were my prescriptions. When you wake up laying on a gurney in the Emergency room with a Doctor looking down at you, holding your head between his hands, defibulater pads taped to your chest, and the first thing you think about when you come to is how the NARCAN they gave you was going to ruin your high, now that’s insanity. I was so deep in my addiction that I had no regard for my life, or what I had just put my family through.
There are many dark chapters in my life. I’ve been close death so many times I’ve lost count. I was hit by a car that was going 60 mph while on foot, it hit me so hard it knocked me out of my boots and threw me 180 feet down the road. I’ve been stabbed several times, had my throat cut, 8 drug overdoses, 2 suicide attempts, and broke my back twice which required 4 back surgeries in 4 years. I discovered that my physical rehabilitation was like a Visa card with unlimited credit. I could get any drug I wanted, whenever I wanted… for however long I wanted it. Phentenyl, dilaudid, oxycontin and morphine… all the “good” drugs.
Because I had broken my back, the business I built and worked so hard to get, got taken away from me. While in the process of building a house for my family I discovered that my wife was having an affair, then one day she just packed up, took my daughter and left me with my son. My life was a house of cards, built on a beach and it all came crashing down. It was like the Book of Job. Everything that he thought was important to him in life, was taken away. I identified with him, because I everything that I thought was important in life was also taken away. First my health, then my business, my wife and family and not long after that, our house burned to the ground. I lost everything I had. Everything.
In 2003, after having everything ripped out from under me, my soul shattered for the final time. I was hooked on drugs and things got so bad that I tried to end my life. I had nothing to live for, I wasn’t successful at any of it. I ended up in a state hospital in 2003 where I was finally weaned off the drugs. I tried to get my life back together and moved out East to Virginia , (having moved from Minnesota ), to stay with my daughter, who was now an adult. But things only got worse. I became very depressed and was put on medication which only made the depression worse and I became suicidal. Then one night a dark presence overcame me, and a voice spoke telling me that I had nothing to live for, that my father was right, I was a loser, and that I was better off dead. And I made a conscious choice to listen to that voice. I wrote a note to my daughter with no intention of breathing another breath. I nearly succeeded. My daughter came home and found me, called 9-1-1, and I was transported to the nearest emergency room. My daughter thought it would be better if no one saw the suicide note I’d written, so they assumed.
I was still in the deepest emotional pain of my life, I was so depressed, my heart and soul cried out… I had nothing and nobody. And it seemed I would never get out of the prison my life had become. Finally, I managed to get the courage to call my brother. God must’ve worked on his heart, because he had mercy on me and decided I had had enough. That was the start. I think it took all that I had gone through to this point, to become so beaten and battered, that I was ready… to finally surrender and admit that I was powerless to help myself. My pride was broken, and the rebellion lay by the wayside, in a pool of my blood stained tears. I didn’t realize it then, but God was preparing my soul to receive His mercy, even through so many years of torment. Suicide had become an exercise in futility, and it was apparent to me that I was stuck for the long haul.
The life preserver my brother had thrown out came in the form of a friend and Ordained Minister, and his name was Robert. I didn’t know what the plan was exactly, but I figured anything was better than where I just came from. After bailing me out we eventually ended up traveling to the Georgetown - DC area to attend a 3-day Pentecostal Revival. I would see things during those meetings that I could never have imagined … and I would be touched in a way I would never forget. Robert could only take me to the door of that church, but God - that day - took me the rest of the way, into His heart. For the first time in my life… I met Love and He redeemed me. He wrapped His arms around me and held me… and welcomed me home.
I remember, when I walked through the threshold of those church doors, I was so sick and tired of being… sick and tired. I was ready for change. The church was very crowded. The speaker was very dynamic and gifted, and I found myself hanging on every word he spoke that day. God had His hand on him. The minute I walked into this church - which was standing room only - and I heard the choir and the worship music, it was like God spoke to me. Something, someone - another voice, very different from the one I had heard telling me to take my life - spoke deep into my soul… “you’re here, you’re whole and it’s over…you’re finally home”. I knew that it could only be the voice of God. That day, I made a conscious choice to listen to that voice, and I became one of God’s prodigal sons. When my heart heard His voice, His words pierced my soul and I knew in my heart that I would never have to go back to my old way of living. My mind suddenly cleared. There was no more fogginess, no more darkness, no more haze - just pure clarity. The pain and all the emotions that were once so raw, even just from moments before - all the anger, the memories of all the loss… it was all replaced with an anointing of the most incredible peace and hope. Words cannot describe adequately what I felt. It’s just something one must experience. It was so powerfully intense that I just fell to my knees. My whole body was filled with so much hope and instantaneous joy, it was overwhelming. Tears just poured down from my face, and I literally fell to the ground. All I could do was just thank the Lord, right there, from my knees. The hope and the peace and the light… the weight of my heart was finally gone. It was amazing. I cried for 3 hours as I listened to the guest speaker. I was convinced that his message was tailor-made just for me.
The next day, we went back again, and it was even more crowded and more intense. I couldn’t stop crying. God had healed my mind and my body and my soul. I was so grateful and thankful. I was indeed, the prodigal son. The third and final day, the church was packed to capacity. When I walked in, the Presence of God was so strong. I could barely stand. The anointing of peace and hope. What He put in my heart was so intensely incredible, that whenever I go back to church He meets me, and pours more of Himself into every fiber of my being. I was born anew that day, and I finally understood what it means to be a vessel of mercy.
Everything in God’s plan is so perfect. Every door that opens, every person or circumstance that God places in your life is divinely ordered… so that it eventually fulfills His plan for your life. We don’t always recognize that, especially when we’re going through the tough times, but it’s true. The trials prepare us for the testimony. The dots that God connects are so perfect, and I realize more and more each day how His hand continues to connect them as I remain in His Presence. When I give my testimony how God restored my life; how He took a broken, beaten and battered soul, one of the worst examples of humanity - a thief, a thug and an addict, and to the world - a loser - God took all that I was, and turned my life around for good. He was the only One who remained patient with me, and saw something good that He could use, in spite of everything I tried to do to destroy it. He remembered the prayer I said when I was 12, and I can only guess that He remembered because I was a child… lost and lonely, confused and shamed, neglected and battered… and I trusted Him that day. I felt His Presence. And even though poor choices and their inevitable consequences took me away from His Presence, God never left me. He was there waiting all the time, just watching and hoping that I would once again, call on Him. And when I made the conscious choice to do just that, He took every circumstance I ever went through, and somehow, He used it to mould me into His purpose. To me it wasn’t a wasted life, it was a blessing and I’m very grateful, FOR MANY ARE CALLED BUT FEW ARE CHOSEN.
Today I get on my knees and lift my arms in praise. I give thanks to the Lord with all my heart. I have so much joy, so much love and so much hope, and AM so humbled that tears of joy stream down my face. And my prayer to the Lord is this, “Lord use me as you will, use my testimony to glorify your name.” Today, I know in my heart that just as Jesus had died for our sins on the cross, that too would die and give my life for Him. There’s nothing left, there’s nothing else, it’s all God. And I believe until we die to ourselves, we’ll always be climbing that mountain to get to the top, there is no short cut. The journey up the mountain, is our journey through life, and its never easy. Amen.
Today, I live to testify to His faithfulness, He made me who I am in Christ. By His Grace alone, I have started over once again, only this time, it is with understanding of Who HE is, and that I am nothing without Him. That I can do nothing apart from His Grace, and even though I stumble, He will not let me fall. Not completely anyway. I am secure in the hollow of His hand, and nothing… not even death, can take me out of His hand. Today, I am humbled to say that, even with my jaded past, God has opened doors for me to work with a major non-profit organization, as their chief financial fundraiser, and He’s gifted me with the ability to grant write for other non-profits. When I was in prison, God outlined a plan that I never thought would come to fruition, not in my lifetime anyway. But God has perfect timing, and He has remained faithful.
I now head up a faith-based organization called The Cycle of Life Foundation. It deals with every circumstance that I have personally encountered. The main focus is on helping the socially and economically disenfranchised youth, so that they can have hope for their futures. I am learning, as I get older in the Lord, that He doesn’t waste one thing we go through in life. Everything He outlined to me, in my head, when I was in prison and sitting alone in an isolated cell, is coming to life through this Foundation. It’s purpose is to give hope to those drug addicts and alcoholics who have been written off by society - for those who have been neglected and abused - and who the world says is worthless, it is for them this Foundation exists. Its for the single parents who are overwhelmed with obligations and responsibilities, who are in abusive relationships, who are stuck in the public welfare system. That desire to get out, but just need a helping hand, clear direction and a safe place to regroup without suffering the penalties for trying. It is for the elderly and the handicapped who are on a fixed income, and find it next to impossible to live according to the edicts of today’s societal standards. The Cycle of Life Foundation was created to use one social problem to remedy another, and is the epitome of what the true Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about.
It is my opinion that one cannot effectively minister to a lost and battered soul without intervening in their natural circumstances and offer them hope for their futures. This, I believe, is why God revealed details to me. Because I’ve been there and done that. It was me, and it consumed me… for nearly all my life. I have no desire to rob, cheat and steal, because the Lord has fashioned me in His image, and I no longer need to reflect the devil’s image. And God has put His trust in me to the point I no longer need to steal to survive. He’s given me the keys to the vault, and I have access, by His grace, to all the provision and abundance I will ever need to fulfill His plan for my life. I no longer need to try and control my own destiny, because God has had mine mapped out from the beginning of time. The only thing I regret is having lost so much time, searching for the treasure, when all I had to do was look in my own heart.
God has redeemed my life, and the time I have left, He’s using all I’ve gone through as a pathway… to lead others from despair and darkness into a world of hope and light. I have a Great Commission to fulfill, like every other child of God, and this is my part in fulfilling it. The people that God has brought into my life to make this Foundation a reality has been nothing but amazing grace. God gifted me with the ability to write poetry, and its central focus is all about finding His unconditional love. I currently have several published works in progress, and I plan to use part of the proceeds to help fund 3genx's The Cycle of Life Foundation.
Your anointing is in the harvest, and as you begin to see through the eyes of Christ the seeds of your labor come to fruition. Stay close to your heart and know that everything good is everything God. He will always be there to guide and protect you. Remember, if Jesus is for you who can be against you. When you commit and ask him into your life, do it with the faith of a child, and if you open your heart to him, he will abide in it.
I am divorced now, but after 23 years of marriage, 2 years of separation, and everything I went through, I recently had my wife taken from me permanently. She died November of 2007 of a drug overdose. Even though she is technically my ex-wife, I don’t have anything I can go back to, not even the good within that relationship, because she is gone. The Lord took her away, but He filled the void that was in my heart, with His amazing Love. My life is a picture of one who has had everything from his past removed, all my material wealth, everything I thought that would bring me happiness and peace of mind… everything was removed, so that all things could be made new. I give God all the glory for the great things He has done in my life. He’s on my mind 24-7. When you see the doors that He has opened in your life - the doors He has yet to open in your life - when you see how He can heal your life, and clear your mind, and lift the weights from your heart - you’ll see the same thing I do. Love personified… and you’ll never look back to the pain. You’ll only look back at His faithfulness. I consider myself a fairly intelligent man, but my job is not to sit here and preach and tell you to give your life to God. That might sound blasphemous to some, but I see my job more like this: to tell you that there IS a God and you have a choice. And you can either make a conscious choice to come to the knowledge of Him and all He stands for, or to continue to stay in a life of misery leading to your inevitable death. No one else can save you. Looking to man is pointless. You need to look to The Savior, Jesus Christ. I would encourage you to open your heart and your mind to the only One Who can take the mistakes you’ve made in life and redeem them. The only One Who can turn everything around for good. Accept Jesus into your life and into your heart, forsaking all the quick fix theologies out there that say they promote peace and goodwill. Find the real Jesus, and He will cause others to come alongside you, and help you and encourage you… and you will see what I have seen through the eyes of unconditional love:Amazing Grace. You will be able to say, as the old song goes “how sweet the sound… that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind, but now I see."
Life is Karmic. The Bible tells us an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, live by the sword die by the sword. It seems that as far back as I can remember I’ve had a hidden knowledge or understanding that would be revealed to me at some point during my life. I love the Lord and he has blessed me with a family that has never given up on me. The Lord has blessed me with so many miracles in my life that I took them for granted, and only now have had the chance to put them on paper. My forty years of wondering the desert are finally over and my desert is now a garden. We are all His prodigal sons and daughters. Some of you will have a chance to come home, and for others it will end like it did for most of my friends. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
Don’t wait too long. You never know if 5 minutes from now, you will draw your last breath. The questions you need to ask yourself are not, “is there a God, and what‘s in it for me?“ The questions you need to ask yourself are simply this: “are you ready to draw that last breath 5 minutes from now, and do you know where you‘ll spend eternity?“ The time is too short, and your life was meant to bring God glory. If you don’t believe me, just ask Him yourself.